


I wanna hold your hand

by lego_ergo_sum



Category: Flintlocks & Fireballs (Podcast)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, MASSIVE SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 72, Sibling Love, Spoilers up to ep 73, Tsiblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23618485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lego_ergo_sum/pseuds/lego_ergo_sum
Summary: Or, Tsander worries about Tsabnet, the ficAka, me projecting my feelings onto the Tsiblings *hard* in the aftermath of episode 72I can't promise its entirely in character, but here it is anyway
Relationships: Tsabnet & Tsander
Kudos: 6





	1. Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsander worries

Tsabnet hasn’t let go of their hand since they woke up after that longest of journeys. He stayed awake as they fell into a trance, and he was awake still by the time they woke up, not looking like he’d moved much at all. 

Tsander moves to take their hand out of the vice like grip, to stretch out, but the look on Tsab’s face when they did so was more than enough that they allowed him to take it again almost immediately. It was a look of such intense loss and despair, such as they had not seen since their parents’ murder. They let Tsabnet keep clutching at their hand for a little while longer, until he was ready, eventually, to let it drop. Even then, though, he seemed unwilling to take his eyes off them, even to eat the small breakfast the others produced. 

In the long discussion that follows that morning, Tsander keeps an eye on Tsab, and they notice every time Tsabnet flinches. Small and hidden enough that the rest do not notice, but Tsander knows their brother, and sees how he flinches. First, when they say they returned for work, though they are quick to add that they returned for their brother also, unable to explain how their duty to the world feels easier to cling to than duty and love to a family that has been splintered so much. And then another flinch, every time Tsander’s death is referenced, however tactfully or briefly, Tsabnet seems distressed by the very mention of it. 

And yet there is something else as well, creeping in around the terror that fades a little more for every minute Tsander is beside him, alive and well, every time House Rothenal, or Adran is mentioned, a fire grows there. The same one as before, but with fresh kindling, this fire of hatred rages more, til it seems to pain Tsabnet that he cannot confirm Adran’s death with his own hands right that moment. The sendings to the Empress’ offices seem to satiate his desire somewhat, but Tsander senses Tsabnet will not be happy till Adran is dead at his feet.


	2. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsabnet is scared

‘I will see my first sunset with my sibling’, *or not at all*, was what Tsabnet had been about to say all those hours ago. Staring at Tsander’s somewhat peaceful, tranced state, he had had to keep checking their pulse and staring at their breathing to remind himself this was no longer the still, lifeless corpse that had been all that was left of his sibling over those long eight hours. Even with their hand clutched in his, with the constant feel of their pulse against his skin, 4 hours felt like an eternity, and he couldn’t help but breathe a long sigh of relief when their eyes flickered open again. 

He’d never in his life felt terror like he did when he saw tsander lying, unmoving on the ground. It had taken a minute to realise what was happening, they’d been knocked down, and gotten up again so many times, but this time it was different, they just kept lying there. Well, he thought that terror would be forever unmatched, hoped that terror would be forever unmatched, but when Celestia said she didn’t think they’d come back, and Tsander agreed, he understood. He’d known, of course, what Tsander had meant all along, that they had not intended to escape to the surface with them, and yet he had never fully understood what that meant until he was confronted with the possibility they would choose not to return. In that moment, he had realised how little he wanted to live in a world his sibling did not also occupy. 

He had not been able to trance even a moment, as any time he drifted off for a moment, his eyes would lose focus of Tsanders living form, and he would startle to consciousness, panicking until he could find proof they were here, alive once more. 

Finally though, his companions began to rise, and decided he had to watch a sunrise. He was painfully aware he had broken his promise to himself, and seen the sunset before Tsander could watch it alongside him, but he refused to watch the sunrise without his sibling by his side, and, though the sun hurt his eyes, watching the sunrise with his living, conscious sibling felt like a hard won victory, and one he would relish.


	3. Afternoon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsander watches

Tsander is grateful for the whisky Scamp provides, seeing that it goes some way to calming their brother, and the mirth at them accidentally creating, ‘bum whisky’ certainly brings a slight smile to their own face. 

Vyig calls at the door, and Tsander sees something of Tsabnet’s usual charm begin to reappear on his face, and it brings them peace to feel there may be some normality soon restored. When Vyig returns to the party after whisking their brother away, they begin to enquire after him, before quickly realising they are quite happy remaining ignorant of the specifics of *that* interaction. 

As the party continues, Tsander can tell that, whilst their brother is never one to be conservative with his drink, he is perhaps even a little less than usual, and this is confirmed when he chooses to throw back an entire mug of something called, ‘Witch’s Brew’. They choose not to help their brother sober up, not just because Celestia’s mental acuity is of more importance tonight, but also because this way they can be sure he will get at least some rest. 

In the morning, Tsander can sense that there is something more to what he asks of them, but they are willing to give him time, they have never been great at talking frankly either, but they feel this may have to change, if they are indeed to start anew.


	4. Evening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsabnet struggles to distract himself

Tsabnet probably should have been glad that the Empress would see about bringing Adran Rothenal to justice, for at least that meant he would pay, but he could not find it in himself to be anything other than disappointed that his would not be the hand to slay the man.

Tsabnet reminded the halfling of the challenged duel not so much as a point of honour, but as a way of letting himself stop scrubbing up his own vomit for a moment, and distract himself from the past couple of days with something he is far more familiar with. And admittedly the little one was a good fighter, and it was a satisfying match, helped as he may have been by their companions. Nonetheless, the exchange helped the day move faster, and yet he still found himself unable to be quite as frank as he wanted with his sibling. Whilst it was true he wanted their relationship to be more open, and he had not forgotten what they had hid from him, whether or not he understood the reasoning, this was not truly what he wanted to ask them. 

What he wanted, deep down, was to ask them to not leave him again. To not leave him feeling like the last piece of himself had been ripped out, again. He understood what they were saying when they suggested he would find love, but at this point he was not sure if that would ever happen. He didn’t ask, because he didn’t know how to ask Tsander to choose him again, because he didn’t want to hear what the answer would be. 

When Mistson asked his motives for helping take down the Underdark, he didn’t know how to say that he what he wanted was to see the world that saw his sibling dead, burning at his feet, and he was willing to do whatever it cost to achieve this, because it felt easier to destroy everything that might take Tsander away from him, than simply ask them to stay.


	5. Sunset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Tsiblings, finally, talk.

After Mistson has left, and Oksana has found them somewhere to stay whilst they wait for his return, Tsander finally has a chance to speak to their brother in private. They don’t quite know where to start.  
‘How are you dealing with the fact that I died’ feels so little in comparison to the gulf that seems to stretch between them.

They reach out, and Tsabnet seems to start at their hand on his shoulder. He looks up, and there is a shadow to his eyes that was not there a few days ago.

‘Yes, sibling?’

‘I,’ Tsander falters, unsure how to continue. ‘I do not know how to say this, but if we are going to be frank with each other, it should go both ways brother. Something has seemed amiss since I awoke. If what you need is time, I understand, but please don’t think you are alone in this.’

‘Tsander, sibling. You died. I watched you fall to the ground and not get up and then you were gone. And I had to live in a world without you for 9 hours.’ Tsabnet takes a breath and continues, ‘You know how I said it made me realise what was important? It’s you. I found I did not want to experience the wonders of the surface without you beside me.’

Tsander moves to speak, but Tsabnet does not let them.

‘I think I understand more now how you felt when Myla died, sibling. I would burn the entire underdark to the ground if it meant you could no longer be hurt.’  
Tsabnet looks up, and Tsander can see the anger raging in his eyes. ‘I know I cannot ask it of you to choose me over them again, but every time I close my eyes I see your dead body on the floor and I am not sure I would survive your loss a second time.’

‘Brother. I cannot promise I will not leave you, nor that I could make myself leave Myla a second time, but I do not intend on leaving you for a long time. And whilst I did return because there is more to do on the surface, and my penance is not over, in truth I returned for you also. I saw us, you know, when I was there. The path I walked to get back to you was long, and hard, and you were there for most of it. I love you Tsabnet. I fear I may not say those words often enough enough, but it is the truth.’ 

‘And I love you also Tsander. If you are willing I would listen to anything you would tell me about your journey. It cannot have been easy to leave Myla.’

The tsiblings began talking, still stilted at first, for centuries of formality do not fall away so easily, but with more freedom that they had shared since early childhood. They spoke not only of their most recent times, but of many things they had not shared over their separate lives, and of the many wonders of the surface they would see, together. 

Everything was not ok, and in truth it would not be for a long while yet, but they made a start, and they would walk this path together, for the path of life is, in truth, the hardest path, and it is better walked with a companion.

**Author's Note:**

> Episode 72 was amazing and I cried for an hour straight and then wrote this.


End file.
